I Want A Job As A Paid Professional Demonstrator!

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Today’s Pontificate – Hmm… let’s see.. professional demonstrator, huh. (Just how the hell are they recruiting people to do that?) Yeah, I know.. it’s a bit old school newspaper job searching.

With the pandemic creeping into our lives, down our Main Streets, up our blocks, and across our thresholds… job losses have put a large number of Americans out of work. Adding to that stress we have the usual culture and social issues.. so people are hitting the streets to demonstrate their causes, sometimes violently. If you listen to Conservatives, it’s the Liberals that are busing demonstrators, who apparently travel about on buses from city to city, town to town. So I got to thinking about my own backup plan in the event I lose my job and it crossed my mind while watching on TV buses traveling to various demonstrations.

So……. Why can’t I get paid for my demonstrator skills?

I do have a few questions, though.

I’ve been hearing from Republicans that the Dems have been paying freelance demonstrators in many cities. It seems like a great job although likely part time and mostly evening hours. Is there an option for daytime sign-holding protest?

Where would someone go to apply? Is it one of those website job applications? (I hope not.. my PC always locks up) I’ve looked on Craigslist for help wanted – freelance demonstrators.. but haven’t found anything in my area.

Do they drug test? (I prefer not.) Um… would I get increased pay if I failed?

If I were to answer an ad I have a few questions…Is this a 1099 position? I’d want to make sure I pay my taxes on the money I make protesting the president-elect. or the outgoing fellow. Will we get paid in check, cash, or direct deposit?

Would we be covered by Workman’s Comp in the unlikely event we get hurt on the job? In the event of arrest will the employer provide bail and lawyer?

That being said, have to say upfront, I will NOT injure, maim, or kill anyone…. intentionally.

I understand that full water bottles are the projectiles of choice. How many would I have to carry?

Would we get a script of what to yell or are we left up to our own selection of verbal profanities? I’d want to do this correctly so can we get the script in advance for practice at home with our family?

Being a senior citizen I can easily assume a role of being a helpless, fragile victim should the police choose to toss tear gas my way. Would that help? I could bring my grandmother’s walker from the garage. Hey.. what about me in a wheelchair?

Would there be the possibility of getting enhanced pay for being able to act outside of my own race and/or religion? Would I get compensated for knowing a foreign language?

Would I need to purchase a hoodie? Would I be provided with a t-shirt with offensive content?

Speaking of that, do I have to provide my own signage? Would I get a list of required offensive phrases?

Oh wait! Now I am hearing on the news that demonstrators getting paid isn’t true! Damn! Well, can I apply anyway and use this as a contact on my weekly unemployment reporting form?

Now What?